Of Ravens and Romeos
by ntamara
Summary: Luscious and his husband Haggers have a secret, but the Dork Lard knows. Can Luschus save him and Haggards unborn child? How can American beauty Mysty Starlite help (she's not a Mary Sue, guys, sheesh!)?


**Title:** Of Ravens and Romeos

**Author:** ntamara (naomitamaraATyahooDOTcom)

**Rating:** R

**Pairing:** LM/RH

**Genre:** Humour/Parody

**Warnings:** Mpregg (yes, it is spelled that way on purpose)

**Summary:** Luscious and his husband Haggers have a secret, but the Dork Lard knows. Can Luschus save him and Haggards unborn child? How can American beauty Mysty Starlite help (she's not a Mary Sue, guys, sheesh!)?

**Disclaimer:** The characters aren't mine; hardly anything of this is mine. They all belong to JKR, Bloomsbury, Warner Bros and probably lots of other people who all aren't me. Oh, and I'm not making any money out of this either. Unfortunately.

**Archive:** Ask First.

**A/N:** Written as part of mctabby's Summary Suckathon on livejournal; my challenge summary was provided by Ellen Smithee. Thanks go out to Sinick for Hagrid-beta. Wymsie provided the terms 'raven' and 'swallow'.

* * *

[As the war for Wizarding World Domination continued, it became obvious that witches and wizards alone would not be enough to win. Both sides scrambled to seduce to their side the non-human magical elements of the Wizarding World.

The Gringotts goblins remained fiercely neutral, determined to make a galleon off both sides whatever the outcome. The centaurs of the Forbidden Forest killed any wizard or witch on sight; even Albus Dumbledore had barely escaped his attempt at reconciliation. The 'Dobby-Granger' House-Elf movement met with fierce resistance from traditionalist Elder Elves. Voldemort's bid for immortality disgusted the vampires, and they remained elusive to summoning spells from both sides.

It would all depend on which side could convince the werewolves and giants to join with them. The treatment the Ministry had given these creatures, gave Voldemort something of an advantage. However, it was the Order who had emissaries with the best chance to be heard: Remus Lupin and Rubeus Hagrid. Voldemort ordered two of his most loyal Death Eaters to seduce these emissaries so for the cause.]

Lucius Malfoy looked once again at the name on the piece of parchment, and then at the squat hut in front of him. The Dark Lord had appointed Lucius and Severus as Ravens and Bellatrix as Swallow, then left it to the three of them to determine who got to seduce who. Given that their prospective targets were Potter, Lupin and Hagrid, the three of them had decided that drawing lots would be the only way to decide things. Severus drew Harry Potter, Bellatrix Remus Lupin. And here stood Lucius Malfoy, at the edge of the Forbidden Forest, gathering up the mental resolve to seduce Hogwarts' half-giant groundskeeper.

Bellatrix had failed at her task: Lupin turned out to be queer as a two-bit bob. Severus' attempt to slip Potter an aphrodisiac had backfired; Potter had ended up banging a pair of Ravenclaw/Gryffindor twins, got them pregnant, and was now bonded to the both of them. The pair of witches had included so many vows of fidelity in their nuptials the poor boy was incapable of even looking at another woman. Lord Voldemort had not been pleased, to say the least, and Lucius only hoped that Hagrid liked blonds.

[Much to Lucius' chagrin, Hagrid played hard to get. It turned out Hagrid did like blonds, but he insisted on "doin' it proper like. Yeh've got ter make an 'onest man o' me, Luschus, or what kinda giant would I be? Me mam 'n da were married, an' I promised me da' I'd wait."

So Lucius divorced Narcissa, and they were wed at Malfoy Manor in a private ceremony by the Dark Lord himself. Hagrid promised to convince his giant brethren to join Voldemort's cause, and Lucius promised to love and cherish Hagrid 'til death did them part. Before Lucius could get sufficiently blotted for the wedding night, Hagrid picked him up and slung him over his shoulder, politely excused the both of them from their guests, and carried Lucius up the stairs to the bridal suite.]

"Luschus!"

The giant beneath him shuddered and moaned and came. Lucius' prick twitched in sympathy, but it was spent by his previous three orgasms. It lay happily in the sticky evidence and furry hair on Hagrid's belly. Undoubtedly, it would all dry up into some awfully unpleasant affair, but for the moment Lucius couldn't care.

He had been well and truly fucked. For the moment, Lucius was happy to just lie on Hagrid's broad and warm body, rest his cheek on Hagrid's hairy chest, and bask. The half-giant's breathing had fallen into a deep and calm rhythm, and his steady heartbeat was lulling Lucius into slumber as well. He still had half of Hagrid's giant cock up his arse, and come was starting to leak out as that powerful prick slowly softened.

This marriage might yet work out, was Lucius last thought as he finally passed out.

[However, little did Lucius know that Hagrid was a Romeo too. When the Order discovered Voldemort's plans to seduce Hagrid, it was decided that Hagrid would play along. Because the giants refused to talk to anyone but Hagrid, Hagrid was able to convince them to pretend to join the Dark Lord's forces, while actually a deal had been made with the Order. When the time came, they would all turn on the forces of Darkness, causing chaos and mayhem.

The plan would have worked perfectly, if not for the fact that Hagrid talked in his sleep. When Lucius overheard this, he was torn between his duty to warn Voldemort, and the prospect of no longer being fucked up the arse daily by a man of Hagrid's perfect proportions. The kindly half-giant had revealed hidden depths to Lucius Malfoy, and Lucius found he could not possibly betray his husband.

When he confronted Hagrid the next day, and swore to remain silent and help Hagrid and the Order in any way he could, the half-giant was overjoyed. He had fallen in love with Lucius, and besides that, he'd never had a better bitch. Dumbledore owed him some favours; Hagrid was confident he would be able to keep Lucius and the Malfoy name safe after the war.]

Lucius and Hagrid were sitting at the breakfast table (Lucius on a pile of pillows after the previous night's rogering: they'd finally managed to get all of Hagrid's cock inside him), when a bird flew through the open window carrying a round shaped package.

Lucius frowned, wondering who would use a stork instead of an owl. Hagrid, however, gasped in surprise before quickly unwrapping what turned out to be a large egg.

"Luschus! Look wha' the stork brung us: we're goin' ter 'ave a li'l baby all o' our own!"

[After he recovered from the shock of hearing that he was going to become a father for the second time, Lucius was overjoyed at this sign of his and Hagrid's love, even if it was a bit freaky that giants and half-giants apparently procreated through eggs delivered by the stork. It could have been worse though, Lucius figured. He could have gotten pregnant.]

Draco Malfoy was not a happy boy. His father had divorced his mother to marry the freak giant who had been responsible for wounding his arm back in third year, and if that wasn't enough, now they were going to have a baby too! His place as the Malfoy heir was in danger.

He knew that Hagrid and his father were keeping the egg a secret from Voldemort so that his freakish brother or sister wouldn't become yet another pawn in the war. Draco pretended to be happy about the unborn baby, and then snuck out of the Manor at midnight to reveal the existence of the egg and his suspicions that his father had turned traitor to the Dark Lord.

[A House-Elf warned Lucius that Draco had left the Manor, and Lucius quickly guessed what his son was up to. He woke Hagrid, and knowing that they had very little time left before the Dark Lord came to try and take their baby away, they cast a powerful spell to hide the egg in the last place anybody would ever look for it. Their child would be safe, until the war was over and they could collect him.]

Mysty Starlite was twenty-one years old and Miss Oskaloosa, Iowa. She had nearly lost this year, when she discovered she was pregnant. Being an unmarried mother would normally have ruined her every chance, but the fact that she was still a virgin (and had the doctor's certificate to prove it) and the miracles that started happening around her had turned the tide.

She had become something of a celebrity, and been asked to appear on all kinds of TV shows. Many religious groups had sent her money and crucifixes for baby Zacharias.

The baby was born through a c-section because of his size (another sign Zacky was touched by God). The surgeons had done a good job with hiding the scar: she could still wear her bikini and look great!

Mysty was just heating up some formula for Zacky (she wasn't going to risk her implants by breastfeeding the little darling) when she heard a 'popping' sound from the nursery, then strange voices. She carefully retrieved the loaded Glock from its hiding place behind the box of Froot-Loops, and tiptoed down the hall. The sight that greeted her in the nursery rooted Mysty to her spot.

The largest man Mysty had ever seen, with a dreadfully frizzy beard and hair and wearing an awfully unflattering trenchcoat, stood beside what looked like a middle-aged drag queen in a long green dress and blond wig. The blond guy was holding Zacky, and Mysty noticed that her baby was now dressed in a similar green dress with snake motif.

"Don't worry, little Marcus, we're here to take you away from these dreadful Muggles. The war is over and you can now come home with Rubeus and me."

The large man sniffed, blew his nose loudly in a silk handkerchief the size of a small towel (Mysty could just make out the initials RM that had been artfully embossed) and wiped the tears from his eyes.

"He looks jus' like his da's, don' he, Luschus?" the man said, holding out a silver baby rattle. Mysty never did get to hear 'Luschus' reply, for all three disappeared into thin air.

_the end_


End file.
